Shifting Loyalties

I was really excited about going home. Really, I was. I’m proud to be who I am and where I came from. I’ve always talked about the Philippines with my classmates, about how, in spite of being the Third World hell hole it is, it’s the home of smart, artistic, and funny people. I looked forward to going home the minute I stepped on Singaporean soil. But when I did go home, I wished I didn’t instead.

Manila is a mess. The poverty I used to ignore gnawed at my insides. I use to not give a flying fuck about Filipinos obsessed with material possessions—the latest It bag, the perfect furniture, the hundred dollar heels. Now, they make me want to hurl many times over. In a country where more than half the population lives in poverty, I don’t understand why people have the gall to talk about their possessions. The Sunday showbiz talk shows—which used to be a staple of my weekends—seemed inane, petty, and a complete waste of air time. The tambays are an eyesore. And the skinny, naked kids these guys have produced makes my heart break.

My four and a half years at UP were spent in massive indoctrination—about how the government neglects us, and how poverty eats at our core. Back then, I didn’t care. My belief was, the country was good to me and my family, and I should be grateful for the opportunities it has given us. To say that, though, smacks of selfishness. It’s ironic that it was a foreign school that changed my beliefs, when the activists of UP have spent years shouting slogans to my face, but to no avail.

I dream about going back to Summit. I wanted to go back to the people whom I regard as my friends and family. I still do. I still feel envious when I see the gang’s party pics on Facebook. But the typhoon’s aftermath, and the recent news about Baguio, has left me feeling iffy.

After one week of Manila, I went back to Singapore a few hours before my class. I usually take the train from Changi, but this time, I decided to take the taxi instead. As we drive by the port and the Flier, I was very relieved. I’m glad to have another country. The other one has become a burden.