Yesterday, I learned a lesson

That I should be more careful about the things I blog about, and to whom I should show it.

I live for the day—if there is something I learned in the past 28 years, it’s that worrying about the future is pointless, and that sometimes, worrying about the consequences about what I say and what I write, is an exercise in futility.

But boy, am I really, terribly, wrong.

A couple of months back, I wrote something, about Someone, that was slightly critical. I forgot about it. I moved on to better and happier topics: Christmas, friends, Manila. Lo and behold, I got an e-mail from Someone, telling me he read my “slightly critical” blog entry. When I asked him how he found out about it, he said a classmate “ratted” on me.

Wow. That was juvenile. That was so high school. That was, as my friend W said, low. I’m amazed that some people actually have the time and inclination to read and discover something that I posted months ago.

My closest friends don’t read my blog. They’re too busy, too caught up in their lives to bother reading it that often. Heck, my skirt-chasing, iron-pumping  younger brothers don’t even know I have a blog. T o know that somebody actually read back to my previous posts and bother to “rat” on me, leaves me in stitches. And yes, I’m being sarcastic.

From now on, all the “safe” posts are here. The questionable, negative, and more interesting ones go to my anonymous blog.  This would be the last nega post.

I apologized to that Someone. I hope I didn’t piss him off. But I think I’m the one who’s more pissed.

Postscript

I finally heard from Someone, who was so cool about the whole thing. He said he wasn't pissed. The dude was more surprised somebody would bother to rat on me.

So, sorry, people. Like what I used to tell Someone... EPIC FAIL! [insert evil laugh here]

2010 List

I was supposed to post something about one of the best people I've met and whom I struck up a strange sorta friendship this year. I thought though that it deserves to be edited first--there were some things I wrote that may raise quite a lot of eyebrows.

Instead, I'm doing my own version of my friend Roan's annual list. Here's mine. You can check hers here.

  

What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
- study in a foreign country, e-mail a teacher random and crazy things :)

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
- I didn't have resolutions for 2009. But I have a couple of goals for 2010.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
- None. We're a bunch of spinsters.

Did anyone close to you die?
- None, thank goodness.

What countries did you visit?
-Singapore, lah! :)

What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
-a major comeback in the magazine industry. I'm missing my passion.


 What was your biggest achievement of the year?
-Would you believe, the A- I got in censorship class? :) And impressing one of the profs with my writing.

What was your biggest failure?
-My mediocre grades in all of the rest of the modules.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
-Nothing big, just when I wounded my foot 11 hours before my first exam.

What was the best thing you bought?
-My laptop!

Whose behavior merited celebration?
-Everyone who helped after Ondoy--ditto!

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
-Politicians. Those responsible for the Maguindanao massacre-- ditto!

Where did most of your money go?
-I didn't spend as much as I used to. There's something about being unemployed that stops me!

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
-My Manila Christmas vacay.


What song(s) will always remind you of 2009?
- Don't Stop Believing.

Compared to this time last year, are you:

i.happier or sadder? -- sadder, sadly. hahaha!
ii. thinner or fatter? -- Fatter!
iii. richer or poorer? -- richer. ahahaha!

What do you wish you'd done more?
-exercise. spend more time with Singapore-based friends. read more fiction.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
-eating and studying.

How many one-night stands?
- none! :)

What was your favorite TV program?
-Glee, Project Runway Philippines, How I Met Your Mother, True Blood

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
-I dislike. I rarely hate.

What was the best book you read?
- Harry Potter. First time I read it was this year!

What did you want and get?
- To study abroad.

What was your favorite film of this year?
- The September Issue and Avatar. I now love Sam Worthington!

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
-28. I was stuck at home while Manila was recovering from Ondoy.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
-If I spent it seeing more of the Lion City instead of studying.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
-Jeans and sneakers. It will change in 2010.

What kept you sane?
-Music, writing, books, and writing. Always will.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
-Sam Worthington!

What political issue stirred you the most?
-the Ondoy related deaths, and how we could have prevented them.

Who did you miss?
-My Flip friends.

Who was the best new person you met?
-A lot. My classmates. There's one person I liked the most, but I'd rather not say who it was. My profs too.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
- Whatever happens, I'll be fine.

What was the nicest thing someone told you about yourself:
-There were two! 

"You don't have a boyfriend? That's strange. You're an atractive girl"--Nasrath. Ahahahaha! I'm such a sucker for that!
"You're an outstanding writer." Dr. Reimold

The most touching experience you've had this year?
-When Jeni helped me with my injured foot, and when one of the profs told me I'm one of his favorite writers.

What did you like most about yourself this year?
- That I did my best.

What did you hate most about yourself this year?
-I didn't exercise as much as I need. Now I have to lose 10 pounds!

Was 2009 a good year for you?
- Just okay.

What was your favorite moment of the year?
- Partying with the YES! peeps. I should have partied more when we were still together!

What was your least favorite moment of the year?
-the day I got my grades.

Where were you when 2009 began?
- Eating, lighting up and watching fireworks

Who were you with?
-family

Where will you be when 2009 ends?
-at home

Who will you be with when 2009 ends?
-family

Do you have a new years resolution for 2010?
- I have a bunch of goals.

What was your favorite month of 2009?
-December

Did you lose anybody close to you in 2009?
-none, thank goodness.

How many concerts did you see in 2009?
- None, dammit. Will make up for it this year.

Did you drink a lot of alchohol in 2009?
- Yeah. But nothing that made me roaring drunk.

Did a lot of drugs in 2009?
- none

You do anything you are ashamed of this year?
-None. Flirting with those guys was fun, fun, fun!

How much money did you spend in 2009?
- Just enough.

What was your proudest moment of 2009?
- Being told that I was a damn good writer. The insecurities are still there, but at least I'm feeling better.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2009?
- none.

If you could go back in time to any moment of 2009 and change something, what would it be?
- None. What's done is done.

What are your plans for 2010?
- Exercise more, see more of my Flip friends in Singapore, strike up a deep friendship with somebody in school, read more fiction. live a more balanced life.

How are you different now that the year has ended?
- More realistic now.

What are your wishes for the new year?
- A great job, to lose the 10 pounds I recently gained, dress better, and, flirt with more boys. Ahahahahaha!

Warmth and appreciation, one word at a time

After weeks of thinking of what to give to my professors, I’m finally done with my shopping. I bought a couple of stuff in Singapore, and the rest here in Manila.

Several days ago, I suddenly thought that the gifts were a little too impersonal. I wanted to do something that would really show my appreciation, and tell these professors how much I’ve learned from them. So after attending a press conference, I went to the bookstore and bought these Christmas cards.

One more card and I'm done. 

As a child, I spent my allowance buying numerous Christmas cards for classmates, teachers, and friends. I’d just write “Dear ____, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Sincerely, Rachel.” That was it. Back then, I didn’t know how to write well, and I was never the type who would say something sensitive or emotional. Showing my appreciation to people was simply too corny for me, an angst-ridden kid who grew up during the grunge era.   

Recently, however, I’ve been finding myself writing a lot of sensitive stuff here in my blog. I wrote about my mentor and a couple of friends. There’s really something special about this Christmas season that has made me appreciate people more, and it has made me more willing to say it to them. Maybe because I now spend part of my time living abroad, or maybe because I’m just getting older.

Last night, I wrote in these cards to tell these people how thankful I am for everything I’ve learned from them. I know I’m now a pretty good writer, and that I can express myself more eloquently in writing. I stutter when I speak, and I say some things which, while my intentions may be pure, end up being misinterpreted instead. I learned this the hard way last semester. One day I’ll write about it. But not today. 

I need another one more card though. One card was supposed to be meant for a professor who praised my writing to high heavens, but during the process of writing on the card, I found myself writing to a female professor instead, thanking her for her infinite patience when we acted like fools in class. I’ll buy that card for him soon. I just wish I can think of something more to write, something beyond the “Thanks for being supportive of my writing” line. He made the first semester a little more enjoyable. I think he deserves a little more ass-kissing from me.

Joan and Annalyn

If you’re one of the very few people who read this blog, you’d probably think that my YES! years were all hunky dory. I mean, I really love my job. There is something inspiring about being surrounded by so many brilliant people in showbiz, and nothing beats the rush of seeing your name in print.

But there were also days when I felt lost, frustrated, and upset. The daily grind of work often took its toll. What kept me sane during those years were heart-to-heart talks with Joan, and later, Annalyn.

I met Joan during my application interview, and that early, I knew we were kindred souls. We went through the same highs and the same shitty lows. Whatever I felt during those first two years, she did as well. We thought we weren’t good enough, and that writing, as much as we love it, can be tortuous and pure hell. To cope, we would go to the cinemas (our office was housed inside a mall) and watch movies together until midnight, then go back to the office to log out, thereby completing our required 10.5 hours for the day. Yes, we're two little she-devils who sometimes loved breaking the rules.

Joanie eating a bag of Tomi in NYC.

You can just imagine how difficult it was for me to navigate the succeeding years without Joan, who, after a year and a half, left Manila for New York. I’m glad though that Annalyn came along. If Joan was my partner-in-crime, Annalyn acted the part of the level-headed older sister, who gave the sanest advice in moments of sheer insanity. She patiently listened to my woes, and even more patiently when I talked about all the men (and I mean all!) that I’m obsessing about. I’m also friends with the other YES! girls, but there are some things that I can only talk to her, like the alienation I sometimes feel in NTU, and how hard for somebody like me, who never fit in, to be perfectly square in Singapore. Mother Annalyn tries to sort things out for me, me who’s always unhinged and confused.

Annalyn and I at the office pantry, the site of our many "sessions."

I’ve always been the type who finds it hard to make new friends. I need time, and enough drama to bond well with somebody.  That's why I find it hard to let go of old friends, because it took me so much effort to build my relationships with them. I have to accept that I will never work with Annalyn or Joan—ever—and that while we may be still friends, I have to make new friends and hope  that those relationships would be as good as the ones I had with these two girls.

For now, I would just have to content myself with my frequent visits to Manila to see Annalyn and the rest of the YES! girls. And Joan, I know, I feel, that I’ll be in New York soon. I’m working on it. We’ll raise hell in NYC. I promise.

Writing

Recently, I got an e-mail from a professor about a project. It was terribly long. You can tell that the man, a handsome brilliant fellow whom I respect and admire, has no life and has too much time on his hands. Hidden within the clutter was this: "You're a good writer. Promise you are not going to waste your talent."

If there is one thing I have committed myself to, it's writing. I've had several phases in my life, times when I was completely obsessed over something, only for my interest to pass suddenly and without warning. Writing though has become the one single passion I have had for the past 10 years.

Make no mistake though: it is a love-hate affair. I love it when I think I'm doing good (like when I got that comment) and I hate it when the words refuse to make it on the blank page. But difficult as my relationship with her is, I think writing and I, were bound for life. Friends come and go, I jump from one job to another, but my relationship with the written word will continue for years.

A lot of writers would understand that when things become confusing, writing can be your best friend. Writing has always been my salvation-- I need it when I feel tired, when I need to put things into perspective. Some people cope by drinking, partying all night, or just eating. For me, I write. Okay, I eat as well.

Whatever happens, I will always write. For myself. There is no need to make promises.I cannot imagine life without it.