A matter of time

My friend LJ is still jobhunting. We've been chatting on FB on and off for the past couple of months, and I can tell he's getting terribly frustrated.

Listen to the song, dude. Come to think of it, I should listen as well.



Nothing's permanent. The most intense emotions--anger, frustration-- are very fleeting. The fact that they're intense makes them such. What we're going through now, it will soon come to pass.

And it's back!

There was something I heard recently that really broke my heart. I read somewhere that we grow up believing that as we grow older, our circle of friends grows larger. The past couple of months, I saw some friendships destroyed. And I'm writing off another person tonight.

I'd like to pretend I'm okay. I thought I'll be okay after days of window shopping, mixing and matching clothes, and walking from one end of Orchard Road to another.I am not. It took one e-mail from my friend A and a chat with my former thesis partner M to make me realize that I'm not. I had a crying jag in front of my laptop; for several minutes I couldn't even type, and only M could do was wait until I could continue.

I feel betrayed. I actually thought this person was a friend. But friends don't rat on you. And if they do, well, that makes them a rat.

I missed this blog. This was a journal of the year I spent here in Singapore. I decided to open it because I don't give a fuck anymore.

From now on, I maintain, I do not know you. I am supremely disgusted with myself.

Argh!

The past couple of nights, I’ve been sleepless, no thanks to my former colleague and friend C. She’s been on line night after night, pointing out how I have mishandled recent events which should have turned out really well.


The thing is, I thought I was doing the right thing. Ganyan naman lagi, e. Maayos intentions mo, pero ending, mali. Palpak! Bwahaha! Dyan ako magaling! Bwahaha!

What I kept telling C was that these things happened because they—my friends--weren’t around to guide me. They would have known how best to deal with it. They’re younger than me, by one or two years, but by life experience, they’re a decade older. I have nobody here to ask about the situation. Sure, I have M, but the perspective of the whole gang would have helped.

Next time, C, I’m gonna play the cards right. I promise. But I really can’t do everything you want me to, because you're right, I am a coward. I can't put myself out there as much as I should. In spite of my protestations, I like things easy, comfortable, predictable. Anything other than that sets my world out of axis. At hindi ako si you-know-who! Wala akong confidence nya, no!

I’ve completely messed things up. The only thing I can do now is to learn from this, ok? Now get off my case and stop making me feel like hell. :)

I'll see you on-line. And in spite of my misery, I know I'm won't be able to stop myself from mentioning the dreaded topic. This is all about me, and you can do nothing about it. Hahaha! At tigilan mo na yang efforts mo na pagselosin ako. Sasabunutan kita pag-uwi ko!

O, here's Rhett Miller. Para sa mga talunan. Hahahaha! But you know, you're quite sharp. You noticed something that we never did. I wish you didn't, because the what if's will never stop hounding me. But who knows, right? Who knows.

As my lunch buddy DJ said, "Malay mo, sa tatlong taon...." Hahaha! Batang to. Isa pang paasa! :)